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Today I had “absolutely nothing” on my list of things to do.
My agenda was clear, albeit, non-existent.
I didn’t make plans or try to fill up my day, which I sometimes do when I’m in a painful transition, or going through something that knocks me off balance.
Today, I had an enlightening conversation with a loving friend, read a book for pleasure, took a two-hour bubble bath (with the door locked and the music loud) and took a nap.
I didn’t over analyze or think obsessively on things I can’t control.
I accepted things that were hard to accept.
I let go.
I let give.
I let God.
When I felt something missing, this is what I did…I took responsibility for my own inner work.
No one can heal you but yourself.
You can and should get help, advice, counseling or therapy, but you are the only one who can do the work.
Sometimes the little girl who felt unloved, unseen and unheard shows up.
The little girl is me.
She was fearful of what was and what was to come. This fear steals away the gift of the present.
Have you ever found yourself crying when everything seems to be fine?
You don’t feel depressed or sad, yet you can’t keep the tears from falling?
Yes, it’s happened to me before many times too.
We can grieve painful experiences that happened decades or lifetimes ago.
Things that you don’t remember or thought you were over.
But your spirit remembers it all.
What I thought was meaningless crying, was me healing on a subconscious level.
I’m grateful that I don’t have to relive every painful detail to heal myself.
I’m grateful that my soul knows.
Nothing about my existence is arbitrary or mundane.
Everything about me is meaningful and matters.
I’m beautifully flawed, profoundly simple and decisively random.
Even what seems random somehow makes sense in the end.
There were no mistakes made during my creation.
I am love, loved, loving and lovable.
I know in my spirit that this is true for us all.
Someone needs to hear this…
Trouble doesn’t last always.
The sun has to shine sometime.
Time does heal.
You are never alone.
Even though we grow up, we can still be shackled by past wounds and scars. This is bondage.
I wonder why I do/did the things I do/did:
- stay at a job I hate
- stay in a relationship too long
- use my tongue as a sword
- sabotage what’s good for me
- embrace what’s bad for me
Keep making the same mistakes, sometimes with my eyes wide open.
I’ve learned that until I heal the part of myself that needs healing, I allow my past wounds and scars to keep me in bondage.
I’m on this journey because I want the freedom to love without fear,
live without fear,
be me without fear.
You have the power of overcoming fear by facing it.
I meditated on this one this morning and became really emotional.
Some fears popped up immediately, but there are some that run deep that I can’t quite put my finger on.
I’m sure these are the fears my soul remembers, but my brain does not.
Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of being too transparent, fear of taking risks, fear of heartache.
I remember to be gentle and compassionate with myself.
To hug the little girl within who had fear as an unwelcome companion.
I’ve come so far and I’m proud of myself.
I have more work to do in my own healing and I’m up for the job.
There are layers in healing and today I shed another layer.
You are unstoppable and unbreakable or you would be dead.
This is one of my favorite quotes from my book “The Power Within.”
And it’s truth.
If I wasn’t a survivor, I would be dead.
So far, I’ve lived through pain, loss, heartbreak, disappointment, betrayal and depression.
I’ve also experienced happiness, accomplishments, love, motherhood and so much more.
The challenge is being grateful and happy through it all.
I KNOW that I can overcome everything.
And I KNOW that I can achieve anything.
So it is for you.
I understand wanting to avoid, repress and forget painful experiences.
I thought this was the way to free myself from embarrassment, shame and self-hate.
I learned through trial and error that ignoring the issue was not beneficial.
Just like the little kid who keeps calling “mommy” until you answer, the little girl will keep calling to to you.
I also learned not to live in the past, but to receive the healing messages that the past is trying to deliver.
Messages of self-love, forgiveness and compassion for myself.
…and for others.